And check out the video for “Fuck Meat”, recently featured on Vegansaurus! The best Vegan blog in the history of everything.  In the video, I share my top secret pant-shittingly delicious recipe for Vegan Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut cookies.  Let’s see Kanye do that.

Check out my Britpop mixtape below. I called it “Fookin Twat” because it’s a British music mixtape and that’s how people there really talk. Remember that although Olde Blighty gave us Jarvis Cocker and Morrissey, they’re mostly just a nation of drunken, racist assholes. Also, their kids are the worst. If you’ve ever been in a small or isolated area surrounded by British children you would know that no greater horror exists. British children FUCKING SUCK.

Pictured: pure unadulterated evil

Tracklist

Oasis – She’s Electric

Blur – Coffee and TV

New Order – World in Motion

Psychedelic Furs – Love My Way

OMD – So In Love

Echo and the Bunnymen – All the Dancing Horses

Depeche Mode – Policy of Truth

The Smiths – Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now

Supergrass – Mary

Elastica – Car Song

Happy Mondays – Staying Alive

Saint Etienne  - Only Love Will Break Your Heart

Suede – Beautiful Ones

Gorillaz – Rhinestone Eyes

Radiohead – Just

Dear Santa Claus,

All I want for Christmas is that these three things be bludgeoned into oblivion.

-Noah

1: Spoken Word Poetry

A finely written and delivered poem can introduce an honest and thought-provoking artist to the world, or it can encapsulate the zeitgeist of an era, or it can enhance the ways in which we troglodytes perceive the very nature of existence. Spoken word poetry never does any of those things. It just forces you to watch some dumb college student talking in a black person voice about something that nobody cares about. Also, you can guarantee that every performer will end every line with a -tion word (bonus poet points for using edgy words that downtrodden people love like exploitation and manipulation), just to make sure everything rhymes. They’ll also shoe-horn roughly one million Marvin Gaye references into their pieces because they know that people will clap for those.

2: Documentary Filmmakers

Like poetry, documentaries have the potential to help people understand this stupid rock we call Planet Earth. They can shed light on tumultuous situations which may have been neglected by mainstream news outlets. They can make our hearts race as we feel the highest highs and lowest lows of the beleaguered sadsacks on the screen. They’re real people after all, just like us. Just kidding. The majority of documentary filmmakers are creative black holes who just want people to think they’re important.  Seriously, how many more documentaries about poor people made by privileged assholes do I have to watch? Also, most people make documentaries because the people who run film festivals think that screening a bunch of ham-fisted snoozers will make their festival prestigious. That’s why nobody goes to film festivals. After they finish the screenings and bump together their shapeless fists, the festival organizers and the documentarians go into an impeccably decorated back room and suckle on each others’ Jack-in-the-Box-flavored flesh. This is done to the accompaniment of dueling grand pianos, like in that movie Society.

3: Dubstep DJs

Dubstep, as a genre of music, is boring and dumb. But maybe I just don’t get it and that happens. I mostly take issue with Dubstep DJs, who all look exactly like this:

Except this guy looks even cooler than they do, on account of the cigarette. If it was a real Dubstep DJ you would have to replace the cigarette with his dad’s balls.

This is nice. In a span of 7 days I’ve played two gigs and made decent money playing good music for smart people. Hooray for cool people weddings and indie mart. Speaking of indie mart, it was radcore, again. I guess I played a decent set, even though I was fucked up as fuck. Someone came up and said “You’re great.” Also, I got to hang out with some of my favorite people, hear some sweet bands, had my own hype man, and even a had the hottest girl there rubbing my nasty sunburned back with lotion (happy 9 months gorgeous! xoxhearts143).

Here’s my set from yesterday, for streaming and downloading. If the amount of high-fives I gave out yesterday is any indication, it’s pretty good.  It’s an all-girl set (except for the Soul 4 Real at the end, couldn’t resist). I’ve found that DJs don’t give female rock artists their due and that’s a shame because there’s some nasty good stuff out there. It’s probably because they’re a bunch of dorks who don’t hang out with girls.  I also got a little cheeky and dropped some hip-hop acapellas on a few of these jointz, because that’s the kind of shit I do. See you around foolios!

Tracklist

Dum Dum Girls – It Only Takes One Night

Sleigh Bells – Crown on the Ground

Sleater-Kinney – One Beat

The Kills – Sour Cherry

Lily Allen – Everything is Wonderful

Robots in Disguise – Can’t Stop Getting Wasted

Au Revoir Simone – Sad Song

La Roux – In For the Kill

Breeders – Divine Hammer

Siouxsie and the Banshees – The Killing Jar

Le Tigre – TKO

Peaches – Showstopper

Goldfrapp – Alive

Yelle – A Cause de Garcons

Robyn – Fembot

Royksopp (featuring Robyn) – The Girl and the Robot

The Bird and the Bee – Love Letter to Japan

Bat For Lashes – Pearl’s Dream

Fiona Apple – Limp

Gossip – For Keeps

Asteroids Galaxy Tour – The Sun Ain’t Shining No More

Annie – I Don’t Like Your Band

Alphabeat – Boyfriend

CSS – Alcohol

Thao and the Get Down Stay Down – Cool Yourself

The Distillers – Die on a Rope

Nico Vega – Million Years

The Blacks – Elegant Walk

Lady Gaga – Summer Boy

SWV – SWV In the House

SWV- I’m So Into You

Soul 4 Real – Every Little Thing I Do

For the unbaptized, Brody Jenner is The Hills’ resident stud, and it’s not hard to see why.

please tell me he has "Brody" on the other side

He’s got it all- the Cheshire cat smile, the collection of sweet, sweet hot rods, the torso-length tattoo of his own last name.  He can even sweet talk a parrot. Brody is the man, almost. The only thing holding Brody Jenner back is the fact that his friends are fucking lame as fuck.

Here’s one of Brody’s bff’s, Frankie “Mexican Brody” Delgado. Look at this fucking guy. Surely Brody can do better.  This guy is doof-on-a-roof. He has a pretend beard grown in a way that creates the illusion of a chin. He communicates with his lawyer via Twitter. On the show, Frankie serves no function other than to laugh at everything Brody says, and you just can’t respect someone like that.

yeah right

The problem with Frankie and the rest of Brody’s friends is that they’re horrible bros. Brody is such the ultimate bro that he even has the word in his name, but his friends are a bunch of sensitive dorks. Every time Brody wants to talk about something cool like cars or booze or partying El Frankie and the rest of Brody’s dude-harem will chime in with something precious like “Yeah, basketball, cool, anyway how is your relationship with Kristen? How are you feeling?” All these guys ever do is compete for who gets to be the shoulder Brody cries on when the man just wants to talk about car engines and throw a football around.

Anyway, I think I’ve exhausted this topic. Brody, hit me up, bro.

PS INDIE MART! SUNDAY! I’m djing from 1:30-3 and then probably doing keg stands after.

!

New mixtape for you peons- a 90s hip-hop one. As much as I love Drake and Kid Cudi and their scarves, I miss the days when hip-hop was about people getting murdered.

Track List (but if you don’t know these songs you’re a fool):

Warren G -Regulate
Snoop Dogg – Who Am I?
Geto Boys – Mind Playing Tricks on Me
Outkast – Player’s Ball
Queen Latifah – U.N.I.T.Y.
Lauryn Hill – Lost Ones
Raekwon – Ice Cream
Mobb Deep – Shook Ones
Luniz – I Got Five On It
Nas – The World is Yours

Here’s a happy, downloadable  mixtape for you because the only thing that sucks more than Monday is every DJ that isn’t me.

Tracklist
Outfield – Your Love
Big Country – In A Big Country
Michael Jackson – P.Y.T. (it’s a good song, quiet)
Rammstein – Du Hast (I messed up this transition because I was watching wrestling on Youtube)
Black Kids – I’m Not Gonna Teach your Boyfriend How to Dance With You (Twelves remix f. Weezy)
Computer Club – Losing Streak
Duck Sauce – Anyway

Dang, I called this mixtape Monday and forgot to include “Blue Monday” or anything by the Happy Mondays. End: gay introspection.

Andy Samberg

Paul “The Real Deal” Newman

Steve McQueen

Robert Pattinson

James Hook

Kris Kristofferson

David Beckham

Yoda Dog

Which means I have 10 years until me being a DJ will not be cool anymore. Celebrate me with this new remix, it’s TI’s awesome “Swing Ya Rag” mixed with Crystal Castles’ pretty decent “Magic Spells”.