In keeping with the holiday spirit I decided to write a letter to Santa:
Dear Santa Claus,
All I want for Christmas is that these three things be bludgeoned into oblivion.
-Noah
1: Spoken Word Poetry
A finely written and delivered poem can introduce an honest and thought-provoking artist to the world, or it can encapsulate the zeitgeist of an era, or it can enhance the ways in which we troglodytes perceive the very nature of existence. Spoken word poetry never does any of those things. It just forces you to watch some dumb college student talking in a black person voice about something that nobody cares about. Also, you can guarantee that every performer will end every line with a -tion word (bonus poet points for using edgy words that downtrodden people love like exploitation and manipulation), just to make sure everything rhymes. They’ll also shoe-horn roughly one million Marvin Gaye references into their pieces because they know that people will clap for those.
2: Documentary Filmmakers
Like poetry, documentaries have the potential to help people understand this stupid rock we call Planet Earth. They can shed light on tumultuous situations which may have been neglected by mainstream news outlets. They can make our hearts race as we feel the highest highs and lowest lows of the beleaguered sadsacks on the screen. They’re real people after all, just like us. Just kidding. The majority of documentary filmmakers are creative black holes who just want people to think they’re important. Seriously, how many more documentaries about poor people made by privileged assholes do I have to watch? Also, most people make documentaries because the people who run film festivals think that screening a bunch of ham-fisted snoozers will make their festival prestigious. That’s why nobody goes to film festivals. After they finish the screenings and bump together their shapeless fists, the festival organizers and the documentarians go into an impeccably decorated back room and suckle on each others’ Jack-in-the-Box-flavored flesh. This is done to the accompaniment of dueling grand pianos, like in that movie Society.
3: Dubstep DJs
Dubstep, as a genre of music, is boring and dumb. But maybe I just don’t get it and that happens. I mostly take issue with Dubstep DJs, who all look exactly like this:
Except this guy looks even cooler than they do, on account of the cigarette. If it was a real Dubstep DJ you would have to replace the cigarette with his dad’s balls.
I couldnt agree more on how dubstep dj’s look alike and how they think its cool, most lack a sense of beat mixing all they do is press play, that what they should be called press play dj’s, im all for music and technology comming together but wtf all songs are the same noise you used to get from a 52k modem dialing up the internet followed by music stopping and a voice sayin one short sentence, and this is what is gaining popularity???
I’m coming around and starting to get into dubstep- it sounds different from anything else going on these days, at least as far as me and my pea-brain can tell. Progress is cool, the DJs who play it, however, usually are not.