If you didn’t know, I, in addition to the DJ stuff, am also a rapper and filmmaker and I just put out my first LP, entitled “Commie”. It’s about feminism, veganism, Communism, and lots of other isms. It will kick you in the dick and you will like it. Download it here for free!
And check out the video for “Fuck Meat”, recently featured on Vegansaurus! The best Vegan blog in the history of everything. In the video, I share my top secret pant-shittingly delicious recipe for Vegan Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut cookies. Let’s see Kanye do that.
So, this weekend I went to a pretty well established Britpop night at the Cat Club or as I (justifiably) call it, Shitty DJ Heaven. These particular DJs were some of the worst DJs in San Francisco, which puts them pretty high on the list of worst anything anywhere. No beatmatching, no sense of tension, no idea of how to control the dancefloor, bad haircuts, oh my! I still had fun though, because the people were cool and the songs themselves were fun. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I could do better and, lo and behold, I did.
Check out my Britpop mixtape below. I called it “Fookin Twat” because it’s a British music mixtape and that’s how people there really talk. Remember that although Olde Blighty gave us Jarvis Cocker and Morrissey, they’re mostly just a nation of drunken, racist assholes. Also, their kids are the worst. If you’ve ever been in a small or isolated area surrounded by British children you would know that no greater horror exists. British children FUCKING SUCK.
In keeping with the holiday spirit I decided to write a letter to Santa:
Dear Santa Claus,
All I want for Christmas is that these three things be bludgeoned into oblivion.
-Noah
1: Spoken Word Poetry
A finely written and delivered poem can introduce an honest and thought-provoking artist to the world, or it can encapsulate the zeitgeist of an era, or it can enhance the ways in which we troglodytes perceive the very nature of existence. Spoken word poetry never does any of those things. It just forces you to watch some dumb college student talking in a black person voice about something that nobody cares about. Also, you can guarantee that every performer will end every line with a -tion word (bonus poet points for using edgy words that downtrodden people love like exploitation and manipulation), just to make sure everything rhymes. They’ll also shoe-horn roughly one million Marvin Gaye references into their pieces because they know that people will clap for those.
2: Documentary Filmmakers
Like poetry, documentaries have the potential to help people understand this stupid rock we call Planet Earth. They can shed light on tumultuous situations which may have been neglected by mainstream news outlets. They can make our hearts race as we feel the highest highs and lowest lows of the beleaguered sadsacks on the screen. They’re real people after all, just like us. Just kidding. The majority of documentary filmmakers are creative black holes who just want people to think they’re important. Seriously, how many more documentaries about poor people made by privileged assholes do I have to watch? Also, most people make documentaries because the people who run film festivals think that screening a bunch of ham-fisted snoozers will make their festival prestigious. That’s why nobody goes to film festivals. After they finish the screenings and bump together their shapeless fists, the festival organizers and the documentarians go into an impeccably decorated back room and suckle on each others’ Jack-in-the-Box-flavored flesh. This is done to the accompaniment of dueling grand pianos, like in that movie Society.
3: Dubstep DJs
Dubstep, as a genre of music, is boring and dumb. But maybe I just don’t get it and that happens. I mostly take issue with Dubstep DJs, who all look exactly like this:
Except this guy looks even cooler than they do, on account of the cigarette. If it was a real Dubstep DJ you would have to replace the cigarette with his dad’s balls.
This is nice. In a span of 7 days I’ve played two gigs and made decent money playing good music for smart people. Hooray for cool people weddings and indie mart. Speaking of indie mart, it was radcore, again. I guess I played a decent set, even though I was fucked up as fuck. Someone came up and said “You’re great.” Also, I got to hang out with some of my favorite people, hear some sweet bands, had my own hype man, and even a had the hottest girl there rubbing my nasty sunburned back with lotion (happy 9 months gorgeous! xoxhearts143).
Here’s my set from yesterday, for streaming and downloading. If the amount of high-fives I gave out yesterday is any indication, it’s pretty good. It’s an all-girl set (except for the Soul 4 Real at the end, couldn’t resist). I’ve found that DJs don’t give female rock artists their due and that’s a shame because there’s some nasty good stuff out there. It’s probably because they’re a bunch of dorks who don’t hang out with girls. I also got a little cheeky and dropped some hip-hop acapellas on a few of these jointz, because that’s the kind of shit I do. See you around foolios!
Tracklist
Dum Dum Girls – It Only Takes One Night
Sleigh Bells – Crown on the Ground
Sleater-Kinney – One Beat
The Kills – Sour Cherry
Lily Allen – Everything is Wonderful
Robots in Disguise – Can’t Stop Getting Wasted
Au Revoir Simone – Sad Song
La Roux – In For the Kill
Breeders – Divine Hammer
Siouxsie and the Banshees – The Killing Jar
Le Tigre – TKO
Peaches – Showstopper
Goldfrapp – Alive
Yelle – A Cause de Garcons
Robyn – Fembot
Royksopp (featuring Robyn) – The Girl and the Robot
The Bird and the Bee – Love Letter to Japan
Bat For Lashes – Pearl’s Dream
Fiona Apple – Limp
Gossip – For Keeps
Asteroids Galaxy Tour – The Sun Ain’t Shining No More
So, I’ve been watching a lot of The Hills lately and despite the fact that nothing really happens and no one really says anything, I can’t stop. It might be because I wish I could be paid millions of dollars to have tense pseudo-conversations at fancy restaurants without even eating anything. It might be because I need to sit through it before the actually substantial and infinitely better “The City” comes on. But it’s mainly because I want to be Brody Jenner’s friend.
For the unbaptized, Brody Jenner is The Hills’ resident stud, and it’s not hard to see why.
please tell me he has "Brody" on the other side
He’s got it all- the Cheshire cat smile, the collection of sweet, sweet hot rods, the torso-length tattoo of his own last name. He can even sweet talk a parrot. Brody is the man, almost. The only thing holding Brody Jenner back is the fact that his friends are fucking lame as fuck.
Here’s one of Brody’s bff’s, Frankie “Mexican Brody” Delgado. Look at this fucking guy. Surely Brody can do better. This guy is doof-on-a-roof. He has a pretend beard grown in a way that creates the illusion of a chin. He communicates with his lawyer via Twitter. On the show, Frankie serves no function other than to laugh at everything Brody says, and you just can’t respect someone like that.
yeah right
The problem with Frankie and the rest of Brody’s friends is that they’re horrible bros. Brody is such the ultimate bro that he even has the word in his name, but his friends are a bunch of sensitive dorks. Every time Brody wants to talk about something cool like cars or booze or partying El Frankie and the rest of Brody’s dude-harem will chime in with something precious like “Yeah, basketball, cool, anyway how is your relationship with Kristen? How are you feeling?” All these guys ever do is compete for who gets to be the shoulder Brody cries on when the man just wants to talk about car engines and throw a football around.
Anyway, I think I’ve exhausted this topic. Brody, hit me up, bro.
PS INDIE MART! SUNDAY! I’m djing from 1:30-3 and then probably doing keg stands after.
New mixtape for you peons- a 90s hip-hop one. As much as I love Drake and Kid Cudi and their scarves, I miss the days when hip-hop was about people getting murdered.
Track List (but if you don’t know these songs you’re a fool):
Warren G -Regulate
Snoop Dogg – Who Am I?
Geto Boys – Mind Playing Tricks on Me
Outkast – Player’s Ball
Queen Latifah – U.N.I.T.Y.
Lauryn Hill – Lost Ones
Raekwon – Ice Cream
Mobb Deep – Shook Ones
Luniz – I Got Five On It
Nas – The World is Yours
Here’s a happy, downloadable mixtape for you because the only thing that sucks more than Monday is every DJ that isn’t me.
Tracklist
Outfield – Your Love
Big Country – In A Big Country
Michael Jackson – P.Y.T. (it’s a good song, quiet)
Rammstein – Du Hast (I messed up this transition because I was watching wrestling on Youtube)
Black Kids – I’m Not Gonna Teach your Boyfriend How to Dance With You (Twelves remix f. Weezy)
Computer Club – Losing Streak
Duck Sauce – Anyway
Dang, I called this mixtape Monday and forgot to include “Blue Monday” or anything by the Happy Mondays. End: gay introspection.
Which means I have 10 years until me being a DJ will not be cool anymore. Celebrate me with this new remix, it’s TI’s awesome “Swing Ya Rag” mixed with Crystal Castles’ pretty decent “Magic Spells”.
