America’s Best GODDAMN TV SHOW

Randy Jackson presents America’s Best Dance Crew is the best show on TV.  It’s better than Mad Men or The Wire or whatever show you pretend to like because some old guy with an accent on NPR called it a tour de force or something gay like that.

"mad men is the greatest!"

This new season features a(n awesome) crew that mixes jump ropes with hip-hop, a (sadly, eliminated) crew of female students from historically black colleges whose moves consist solely of aggressive, laughing-in-the-face-of-physics-style butt shaking, and a crew from CANADA, thereby laying to rest the common stereotype that Canada is not a real place.

You owe it to yourself to watch it. It will make you feel happy and it’s reassuring to know that people with discernible skills are still being featured on TV.  The show is also proof that Asian guys can do something other than awkwardly staring at your cleavage. Asian guys are tremendous dancers! Of the four crews that have won the competition, only one of them didn’t consist predominantly of Asian guys and that’s because they consisted predominantly of Asian girls.  Watch it, you’re not too cool, not even close,  so don’t even trip.

In other news, watch this movie.

Post script: This season’s new judge, Omarion, is a no-talent has been with probably 4 synapses in his entire brain  so don’t listen to anything he says.

Why waste your time? You know you’re gonna be mine.

Guys

If you were ever interested in witnessing firsthand the downfall of the human male as a species, you should become a DJ.

Guys used to be cool. If you were a guy born before the 1970s, you might have been straight shooter with a flask in your back pocket and your strong hand beaten and weathered into a permanent fist. Or maybe you were a dashing libertine with a sabertoothed wit and a devastating charm. Or maybe you were goddamn Kurtis Blow. If any of that applies, good for you, because if you are a guy and you were born in America after the 1970s you’re probably just a loser.

Most guys think that they can do a better job than the DJ but they are too ineffectual, dumb and weak do anything in front of a crowd. In normal life they know this but put two vodka Red Bulls in them and all of a sudden they think they’re Barry Goldwater and that everyone wants to hear their stupid views on abortion, gay rights and what Akon song to play next.

Usually you’ll be fine smiling and nodding and taking his requests but not actually playing them. But if he gets pushy and wants to “throw down” or something, you should let him know that you would be okay with that. Knowing that a man would be willing to put his physical well-being in jeopardy for the sake of his ego is usually enough to send Mr. Drunk and Awesome plummeting back to Earth, where he is a sad-ass dork who works for someone he hates doing something he hates but is powerless to do anything about it.

One time a DJ was sucking really bad so the club owner told me to get on and take his place. When I informed said DJ, his manhood was so threatened that he said that he would meet me outside and fight me, to which I replied “okay”. He looked like a doofus and I looked like some awesome guy and I bet that if I ran for President of the DJ booth that night, I would have won. (Actually don’t follow this advice because that guy was an electro DJ and for that reason I knew he didn’t know how to fight anyway.)

So, in conclusion, come to Otis. Not this Tuesday but next. I’ll be all smiles, obviously.

The World Cup

Next year will see the arrival of the 2010 World Cup, which is a really exciting event in any country whose people enjoy real sports and not bullshit baseball. What follows is my squad-by-squad break down of the World Cup’s 32-team field and my unbiased, realistic opinion on how they will fare in the most important and illustrious competition in sports. So, um, SPORTS! BOOBS!

Group A

Thierry Henry in a film still from "Poetic Justice"

South Africa

South Africa have a formidable back line and their attackers possess a pitch-perfect combination of athletic prowess and brute strength that will ease them into the later rounds. Oh wait, this is the soccer world cup, not the rugby one. These guys suck.

Mexico

Mexico will make it into the last sixteen or the Mexican government, a.k.a. a paramilitary terrorist group called Los Zetas, will kill everyone in the entire world.

Uruguay

They won the first ever World Cup in 1930 and will never win it again. Sucks to be you-ruguay.

France

They cheated but who cares? No one, not even the people of Ireland, wants to see Robbie Keane and Shay Given in the World Cup at the expense of Thierry Henry, Franck Ribery, Nicolas Anelka and Karim Benzema. Sorry Ireland, at least you have your burgeoning telecommunications industry.

Group B

Messidonna: Argentina = man hug central

Argentina

Argentina is a group of blonde haired pretty boys who talk funny and are coached by a legendary soccer playing quasi-human ape creature. They also have one of the best players in the world in Lionel Messi. They should be okay.

Nigeria

I like Nigeria. They have Obafemi Martins, who is really good in video games and Danny Shittu, who has a hilarious name.

South Korea

The best team in Asia, South Koreans are good at soccer because they have wide feet and they’re usually angry. If I lived under the perpetual threat of nuclear obliteration and all I had to defend myself with was lame and useless Tae Kwon Do I’d be angry too .

Greece

Greece fucking sucks. They won the European Championship in 2004 by fielding 11 goalkeepers. The Greeks may have invented civilization but they suck now.

Group C

Fabio Capello: Off-camera is a group of invalids, gypsies, and homosexuals.

England

I’m glad England has done so well under the tutelage of new manager and famous neo-Nazi, Fabio Capello. Also, Stevie G and Fat Frank have finally gotten over themselves and remembered that they get paid more money in one year to play some stupid game than some countries get to provide health and social services for their whole citizenry. So happy for them.

USA

Aww, you guys are in the World Cup! How cute.

Algeria

For those of you who don’t know what Algeria is, it is a country in North Africa which doubles as a French landfill.

Slovenia

They’re pretty good but the most noteworthy thing about Slovenia is that they have a bunch of players whose names cannot be pronounced by human beings.

Group D

Lukas Podolski totally just closed that account and is buying you a jello shot later.

Germany

Germany is lucky to have at their disposal one Lukas Podolski, a striker who is always one of the best players in international tournaments but totally sucks in any other situation. Expect him to score nine goals which help take Germany to the final where they lose and Lukas Podolski can go back to FC Köln where he will suck until 2012.

Australia

Australia’s soccer team, The Socceroos, have a really adorable soccer playing kangaroo for a mascot. Otherwise, they’re horrible. They dominate the Asian confederation that they play in but Asian people can’t even digest milk without smelling really bad for up to twelve days, let alone play attacking football.

Serbia

A lot of people aren’t giving Serbia much of a chance but they fail to realize that Serbia is home to the most promising and talented crop of soccer hooligans in the entire world. Also, Serbia’s national anthem consists of the words “We break your ankles. We kill you”, with no musical accompaniment and repeated forever.

Ghana

Ghana has Michael Essien and a bunch of guys you’ve never heard of, probably a bunch of Michael Essien’s cousins.

Group E

Netherlands midfielder Robin van Persie probably listens to trance.

Netherlands

As we saw in Euro 2008, the Dutch play some of the most beautiful football on the planet. They also have the have the world record for the soccer team with the most silent j’s in their players’ names. They’ll make it to the last 16, and they’ll look and smell good doing it.

Denmark

I wish FIFA would give Denmark the World Cup solely on the basis of Denmark’s remarkable progress in sustainable energy. Did you know that wind power accounts for almost 20% of Denmark’s energy? Wow.

Japan

These guys suck so bad. The only way they will win is if they can get an entire game to consist of Shunsuke Nakamura shooting free kicks at an open net.

Cameroon

In the 2004 African Cup of Nations, Cameroon wore these really gay one piece kits. Ew.

Group F

Not even joking, the combined age of the four Italians pictured above is well over 300.

Italy

Italy won the World Cup last time and they’ll attempt to do so again with pretty much THE EXACT SAME TEAM. Italy is a made up of a bunch of old perverts who wear fancy clothes but probably smell like shit. Italy is over.

Paraguay

Paraguay should be okay in the group stage. Yep, nothing bad to say about Paraguay.

New Zealand

I would really love it if New Zealand won a game or even scored a goal in the World Cup.  They won’t. I’m pretty sure most of the New Zealand National Football team works at Hotdog on a Stick.

Slovakia

Martin Skrtel and Marek Hamsik are decent enough but, no.

Group G

Kaka and Robinho probably don't realize that their homeland is one of the most polluted countries in the world. Poll: do you think they would still be all goofy smiles if they did?

Brazil

It’s a tough group but this is Brazil’s soccer team ferchrissakes. Did you know that in Brazil, if the elders decide that a boy won’t be able to play soccer, get a black belt in jiu-jitsu or pull an F-16 with his weiner he gets thrown off a cliff?

North Korea

It sucks because when these guys lose- and they will- some North Korean bureaucrat is going to chop off their dicks with a sword.

Ivory Coast

Don’t sleep on the Ivory Coast. Didier Drogba not only looks like a beast, he is one. Toure bros Kolo and Yaya are as good as defenders get and are total dreamboats.

Portugal

Best player in the world Cristiano Ronaldo won’t be good enough to carry this satchel full of dorks very far. They might even finish behind the Ivory Coast and miss out on the knockouts. Expect Prada-scented Ronaldo tears.

Group H

Spain is full of racist assholes and that's great.

Spain

Reigning European champions, look for Spain to win this group and score 15-20 goals without conceding any. The amount of talent/headbands on the Spanish team is staggering.

Switzerland

Really? This isn’t bobsledding. Get the fuck out of here, Switzerland.

Honduras

The last name of just about every Honduras player is “Palacios”. Look it up. It’s weird.

Chile

The Chilean landmass looks like a long skinny turd.

In conclusion: England over The Netherlands in the final. Just kidding. Spain wins.

DJ Porn

Awesome Bomb at Otis is happening next Tuesday. Git ‘r’ dun. Welcome to outdated reference Thursday.

Here’s Lil Satan looking flyer than a bird’s dick with his new green knobs and faders. You can mod it up with the arcade buttons yourself or buy one from dj tech tools. Actually, don’t even trip. You couldn’t handle these buttons. Look at you, all googly-eyed and tarded. You’re like, sad to look at.

Obviously, Lil Satan is dope on a rope. I can use it and Traktor’s four decks to compose an entire song during a set if I wanted. But why would I want to do that? I’d rather do what I do, which is to play Luther Vandross’ entire greatest hits and drink beer. Anyway, intelligent dance music is for ugly ass nerds.

Here’s my computer, Big Satan, done up all proper. The stickers and glitter tell the whole stupid world some important and great things about me.

RVCA makes clothes that look badass when you buy them and will continue to look badass if you don’t ever wash them. If a drop of water gets on a RVCA garment it will basically self destruct, so if you ever feel inclined to wash a RVCA t-shirt you’re probably better off throwing it away.

Action for Animals: I’ve gone vegan on the urging of my pecs, Alicia Silverstone’s book, and my awesome, smart and super hot girlfriend- who is definitely hotter than yours. After an ugly cleansing process I am now in permanent beast mode and will headbutt the shit out of you all day.

Covering up that boughie Apple logo is my glittered up version of Mistico’s mask. Mistico is more awesome, shinier and way healthier than that sickly-ass Steve Jobs, that’s for sure.

I like pentagrams because most Satanists worship themselves as their own gods. I’m pretty worthy of worship. Plus, Abraham was a dick. For realz, if you are okay with killing your son because some disembodied magic voice told you to, you’re a dick. And that’s the father of your religion? Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

Finally, One of the bros from Bicycle Coffee put a sticker on my laptop when I wasn’t looking. Brocycle Coffee.

Blingblingwheresthebeef.

DJ Self Defense Techniques

Sometimes people need to have their very existences mashed the ass up, for realz.  These are the guys who drink Rockstar-based beverages, buy magazines about marijuana, continued to watch Entourage or Nip/Tuck after the third season, or are kind of old and dumb looking.  You’ll meet a lot of these “people” as a DJ so it’s good to have a working knowledge of fun ways to ruin their lives forever because they aren’t cool and they deserve it.

Elbow

The elbow is a beast of a body part. If you hit someone with it, it will basically destroy them but it you won’t feel a thing because your elbow is the bomb and you know it.

Headbutt

Headbutting things is soooo cool. Use the hard part between your eyes and your hairline. Striking with any higher or lower part of your head will hurt you just as much as Señor Bunghole over there. But if you do it right, forget about it. Make sure you keep your teeth together (but not super clenched), as the impact of the headbutt will rattle them pretty hard if your mouth isn’t shut.  So shut your mouth and headbutt some shit.

Ball Punch

There is no honor in this, but this isn’t feudal Japan and you are not a samurai so shut your pie hole. Just do it. There’s no shame in punching a guy in the balls and making sure his stupid face doesn’t ugly up the future.

Conclusion

Usually you can get out of a possible altercation by being a nice person but you won’t look cool, guaranteed. Not even in the same zip code as cool.

San Francisco during the daytime SUCKS

San Francisco during the day is kind of like hell, except your body has to suffer along with your soul. If you’ve ever ridden on a bus in the city of San Francisco between the hours of 1 PM and 4 PM you’re probably a nasty ass crusty homeless person with a fistful of awful where your face used to be.

Awesome Bomb returns next Tuesday with me and Mattfiesta playing at a nice little spot called Otis. No complaints there. I’m here, I’m alive, and I’m makin’ beaucoup money.

And if you’re feeling sad, here’s a picture of me drinking a root beer float.

Bye!

I Get Around

I’ve been DJing for a little over a year and I can say with zero ego or hyperbole that I have become one of the best DJs to have ever set foot on this planet.  Here are some flyers accompanied by stories about a few things I have done recently.

Awesome Bomb: Mattfiesta and I fart around playing Real McCoy and the Mortal Kombat soundtrack to a room full of 10 people we guilt-tripped into being there and a couple Mexican dudes who are usually in the middle of some kind of “transition” process.

Indie Mart: We got there before the bar was even open, but Indie Mart was radcore! I played an all-female indie/riot grrl set that, obviously, ended with TLC. Everyone involved in the planning and execution of Indie Mart needs to have their Chucks painted gold and sent to the Awesome Hall of Fame.

Dumb Roofie-ass College Party: This happened a few months ago. One of the promoter’s friends played a mini-set in the middle of mine and he sucked. But at some point I got drunk and decided that playing Animal Collective  would be a good idea so I ended up sucking too. But at least I didn’t play a techno remix of Queen like that dork. I still got my $150 and used it to pay down my credit card. I wish I had a cooler story about what I did with that money, but you know what, being responsible with your finances IS cool.

High Five: THIS is happening tomorrow. It will be fun. Like the flyer shows, there will be lots of cool black dudes high-fiving a bunch of skinny white nerds out of pity.  There will also be a b-boy show. Has anyone else noticed that in spite of how difficult and athletic breaking is, all b-boys just do the same thing and it always gets boring after 3 whole seconds?  Oh yeah,  everyone noticed that. UPDATE: Mattfiesta played Roller Coaster Tycoon during his set and some lady told me that she and her friends would leave if I kept playing Hall & Oates. Sorry, but if you don’t like Hall & Oates then you can just go back to goddamn Armenia.

Proteinface

Proteinface (my glorious concept but a term coined by the beautiful and talented Amanda) is a super funny disease which afflicts dumb guys who lift weights and drink lots of protein. What happens is their bodies get all beefy and gay but their faces become totally fat, because you can’t work out your face, Tyler. Related illnesses are: Bluetooth, tank top, hilarious post-high school downward spiral and marketing job. Also liver failure,  not from the protein but from getting punched in the liver by me.

The champion pictured above has what a proteinface would look like but I’m not sure if it’s an actual proteinface because I think he’s just fat.

How to Get Me to Love You

The following is a list of my favorite types of people.

1. Black Hipster

Some people are the opposite of dicks and I call those people black people. I like black hipsters because they’re cool and tough but you can borrow and wear their clothes without being made fun of by old Arab guys. If you are a black hipster you are the best of both, no, every world possible.

Probable transcript of me talking to a black hipster:

Wait, you have a favorite Pixies song? But you’re black!?! Wait, you watch rugby but you don’t play it? BUT YOU’RE BLACK. And you’re drinking coffee, holy shit.

2. Old Guatemalan Lady

I love old Guatemalan ladies because I have pale skin and dark hair and they think I am magic.

Probable transcript of me talking to an old Guatemalan lady:

Why yes, you would do well to turn over your crops, livestock and children to me. Lest you be struck down by God or whatever fucked up snake monster you worship for no good reason.

That’s really it. These are the only two kinds of people I like.